Why Twilight is The WORST PIECE OF LITERATURE of the 21st Century

Twilight, the very first syllable of it sends over ten thousand fan girls in an insane blood lust over a fictional character. Seriously, this book is more overrated than a hardcore porno film. Now why dose this book suck so bad? Well first of all, the language used is mundane to say the least. There is no descriptive language to speak off, trust me. The only moments of remote depth are in describing the "prefect thighs" and eyes* of the male protagonist, Edward. Every five f-ing minutes the author goes into detail of how ungodly sexy this immortal is. I mean, JESUS CHRIST!!! At this point this is like soft core porno for pretentious emo girls who are too depressed to look up actual porn. Here's a snippet of the book's writing.

"About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." ...ok, see what I mean, SEE?!?


This book has the same basic plot of Romeo and Juliet, you HATE these two characters, you want them to die a painful death...but unlike Romeo and Juliet they live. This book sends the worst message you can send to a teenage girl: love is stupid and shallow and based on looks and lust alone. Excuse me while I gibber in the corner and relish in absolute hatred for anyone stupid enough to follow THAT moral. Again, this book is unoriginal...filled to the brim with cliches. Possibly to the point of overflowing. I can see it now, little pissed off Louie-Ripoffs flowing off the edges of a bucket filled with bull crap from Twilight. (God, fan girls are going to be beating me to death with baseball bats tomorrow) Now, about the protagonists. All and all, this story is just about a whinny, useless, pathetic bitch and her possessive, abusive, and over all boring boyfriend. I HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE TWILIGHT!!! The character development is non-existent, the characters are just flatter than the 14th century image of the planet and is just AWFUL!!! There is nothing, utterly NOTHING original about this book, I think I made myself clear but I'll say it again...I HATE it.

Again with the writing style, it's so...plan and empty. But then again this is targeted towards the adolescent which has the IQ lower than that of a man with down syndrome with rabid weasels teleported into his skull by occult powers. It took the concepts of Anne Rice and disemboweled them into something that your average pathetic junior high school mindless fool could remotely contemplate without spontaneously combusting with the thought of something actually intelligent.

However...there is one thing that I cannot forgive about this book...Edward goes out into sunlight! He's a vampire, and he sparkles. THE PASTY BASTARD SPARKLES!!! Stephenie Meyer, you are a moron and I HATE you. If you knew the first f-ing thing about vampires you would know that if they went outside in broad daylight, THEY WOULD COMBUST INTO FLAMES!!! Also, apparently vampires can reproduce via sexual intercourse now. Also, despite the fact that he is a near ageless entity, Edward is still a virgin. ....(twitch, twitch) must not kill...now for those of you who think otherwise about the cliche part, read below.

Example I: a new girl comes to school, she has no talents at all and is just an idiot. Example II: said girl falls in love with the hottest guy in school, GASP! Example III: Hottest guy falls in love with failure girl. Example IV: Hottest guy turns all evil and pissy (BUFFY RIP-OFF!!!) Example V: Vampire (the hottest guy) turns all emo and eats animals (and then Lestat follows him into the sewers and says, "All I have to do to find you Louie is follow the corpses of rats?") Example VI: Failure girl follows Vampire Sex-God and declares undying love for him but he basically turns into a teenage version of Angle from Buffy and pushes her away. Throw a few random events and you have Twilight! The only reason that this has so many cultist is the pathetic teenagers who drool over this book because of the sex scene in the second book.

Here's a remotely intelligent person's view on Twilight: What the hell is this garbage? It has no sense of plot or character development!

Here's an Edward Stalker's view on Twilight: OMG!!!EDWARDISSOOOHAWT!!!I dumped my boyfriend so I could be with Edward, CAUSE HE'S HAWT!!! Oh, and what's character development?

Other Edward Stalker: BACK OFF BITCH, HE'S MINE!!!

First Stalker: NO HE ISN'T!!! I READ HIS DESCRIPTION FIRST IN THE FIRST BOOK!!!

Other Edward Stalker: NNNEEEAGHHHH!!!!! (Lunges for the other girl's throat)

Gollum: And people says we have an unnatural attachment to an inanimate object...

This is a barely exaggerated conversation between two fan girls...sad isn't it? Oh and I added the Gollum part for good measure. All and all this book is nothing more than a poorly written mish-mash of Stephenie Meyer's sad and pathetic sexual fantasies. I swear to God, if Lestat is called "The Brat Prince"of the Vampire world, than Edward is their "Pathetic Emo Cash Cow of Sparkles".

* That will f-ing make the sun explode into a supernova engulfing the planet if he looks at it for too long, because they are that f-ing beautiful. Now, seriously...almost every other paragraph is just an extremely detailed description of his eyes...sometimes I think that he's like the a teenage version of Sauron, just this floating eyeball. Because that's all this book talks about, is how hot Edward is.